Now, after that brief interlude, to reconnect with what I was talking about before, the subject of New Year's Non-Resolutions. Here are a couple more from me. Maybe just one more. One more big one.
You know, you might not be able to tell from what I post on here, but The Grand Plan is always very much on my mind. It's a big plan, an audacious undertaking, and I feel like if I'm not careful, working on it and towards it day by day, it will slip right through my fingers. So clearly, this is the next step, to pursue work in some kind of art therapy kind of area to give me some actual experience. Because, you see, I wonder to myself from time to time if I would actually like living The Grand Plan once I actually get there. And, since it is unthinkable to do all that work and then not enjoy it, I want to be able to find out now if this will work for me. So one of my amorphous directions for 2009 is to pursue work that will get me closer to actual experience in the art therapy/spirituality realm.
But...oh dear. So many things could go wrong. What if I can't actually find such a job. There are very few such jobs in all of Buffalo, and what's to say they would give such a glorious opportunity to an inexperienced little twit like myself? The job market in Buffalo is generally not regarded as a great one, and the economy sucks, who's to say I'll get any job at all? Probably I'll end up working as a waitress at Denny's--getting hit on by trucker's and having chocolate milk thrown at me by bratty little kids. Not to speak of the unlivable wage, so I won't be able to afford my apartment and I'll have no place to live and no food and...
There I go again. The wretched little voice inside me that's constantly prattling on (what beloved guru Anne Lamott would refer to as K-FKD) telling me that I'll never get what I want; just because I want it, it will elude me. That nothing will ever work out for me, so why should I even try to pursue my dreams? And then, there are those quieter, more sinister voices, the fears beneath the fears. Not that I won't be able to find opportunities, but that even if opportunities should come, once I'm in them, I'm sure to fail. I'm not good at actually working with people. I have nothing of value to say. People won't respect me or listen to me. I don't actually care in an empathetic way about other people's problems. And I'm too afraid of the kind of people that need help (former drug addicts, homeless or inner city youth, etc.) to actually be any good to them. Talky, talk talk.
So what I want in the New Year, what I really want to pursue, what I really want to do in the next year (or, more realistically, through the rest of my lifetime) is to silence the voices of fear. The voices of not being good enough, the voices that stop me from pursuing things before I even begin. Or, if I can't silence them, I'll live my life in spite of them. Perhaps that is the best thing we can do, to just work around the little gremlins until they die off from never being fed. Or, here's an idea. Give them a crash pad of their own, somewhere else they can hang out so they don't just rattle around in my head.
So, this is me, manifesting in hope. Yes, world, yes printed word, hold me accountable. This is the direction in which I intend to walk in the new year.
So...uhh...anyone want to give me a job?
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