Sunday, May 17, 2009

I want to be Real...



photo credit: Debra Trean


I have been thinking quite a bit lately about what it is that I want to do with my life. This is chiefly because my current position is about to end at the end of June and I am trying to work out where it is that I'm going to work next. The issue is, whenever you're making decisions about what it is you want to do, I think especially at this time in one's life, you're also making decisions about who you are and who you want to be. You're not just taking a job (ideally), you're advancing towards some ambiguous thing called a career.

Well, I think what I've realized about who I am and where I want to go in my career is that, more than anything else in the world, I love dancing. I want to be around dance for my entire life. I think it is far too late to consider a career in a professional dance company, but I want to be around dance and dancers and in the dance world, basically forever. I don't know what I want to do in the world, largely because I don't even know all the kinds of things that I could be doing, but that is where I want to be.

The big issue with this is that I feel unqualified. I have been dancing my entire life, but I've only taken a few actual dance classes. At this point in my life I dance at least three times a week, sometimes four if I am assistant teaching a tango class. But it never seems like enough to make up for a lack of on paper qualifications or feedback from knowledgeable peers. Which leaves me constantly wondering: Am I a Real Dancer?

Now don't, for heaven's sake try to pin me down on what exactly a Real Dancer is. I'm sure I have no idea. The closest I could come to describing what I encompass in the term is to say that if I was esteemed and treated as a dancer by other, accomplished dancers, I think I could consider myself a Real Dancer. The trouble is, I don't really know any accomplished dancers. Although the exact definition of "accomplished dancer" is also a little fuzzy. I mean, do I have to get props from Martha Graham before this would be a done deal? Would even that kind of validation be enough?

The root trouble is, I think what I really need is not so much affirmation from Martha Graham so much as some affirmation from myself. But I have always struggled to be internally validated about anything. Even my writing, in which I have earned a freakin' Bachelor's degreee, by the by, but I just don't seem to have enough...I don't know, moxy is a fuzzy enough term, to consider myself a Real Writer either. I don't know where the obsession comes from, to find some mystic guru to descend and tell me which side of the arbitrarily drawn line I fall on, but I guess it all has to do with identity again. What I do is a very large part of who I am. And I am a person who has many interests, but few passions. If I can't achieve some level of proficiency in those passions, why bother with the pursuit?

But that's it--the pursuit! If I pursue writing, if I pursue dancing, doesn't that defacto make me a writer and a dancer? I mean, if a person dances three times a week, I don't think it would make very much sense to say that they're not a dancer, right? I don't know about the warm and fuzzy shelf life of this little epiphany, but for a moment it comforts me a great deal to know that I can be a Real Pursuer. Whether that makes me a writer and a dancer, or a Writer and a Dancer, I don't know, but hopefully it will at least afford me some real peace of mind.

S.

P.S.--But, as an aside, if anyone offered me Martha Graham's phone number, I wouldn't turn it down...

2 comments:

Thryn said...

Dear Shan,
I was going to find you Martha Graham's phone number but it appears you need a special phone. Something about extra extra long distance calling and the need for a medium.

Hope said...

Fro was telling me about an article that made the claim that on average to be at the world class level in anything you have to spend 10,000 hours doing it. The guy used real statistics from real world class people to come up with this number. I don't know how much merit I put on it. But it is interesting to reflect on my past life and make a list of the very few things I have done for more than 10.000 hours in my life or even close to it. It really gives me a perspective about what's most important to me. It's a rewarding perspective, if you want to play with it a while.