New Year

Wow, September to January. That's like...five months. That's almost half a year. So. I don't know who I might be talking to out there because everyone who probably ever read this has probably abandoned this creaky ghost town of a blog, but that's okay. I have been writing still, just not here. And this space, unfortunately for all you ninjas, has always been for me. And that is why I came back here today, to talk some things over with myself. You can listen in, if you feel so inclined.

The time has come again for the making of New Year's Resolutions, a favorite past time of mine, mostly because I love reflection and analysis, and goal-setting too. I think I did pretty okay with last year's resolutions, except for that last one. I realized that I have no problem laughing at myself when I actually can see the humor in whatever it is I did, but when I am legitimately embarrassed, that all goes out the window and I cannot find within me a speck of humor, anywhere. Oh well. I guess that one stays on the docket for a little while longer. But, 2011 is a fresh new year and calls for new resolutions, so here goes:

1. Spend more time on my creative work. The end of this year, as you would know if I had been showing up here, has been rough. My last job ended in October, and I have been job hunting ever since, in spite of having an evening job as a ballroom dance instructor that pays almost nothing, and tends to lead to a great deal of drama and frustration. Since that time, I have felt drained from worrying about money and how I'll pay the bills, to job searching, cover letter writing, and all the exhausting roller coaster emotions that go into that endeavor, and then investing my time in the boards of which I am a member, the few patchy times I have been able to get some work, and doing adult things like laundry and dishes and making sure the house doesn't get gross. So, in spite of the fact that I'm only working part time and should have more free time than anybody and no right to complain, I feel stretched too thin, exhausted, and demotivated.

It is hard to spend a day sending out resumes, looking for job opportunities, go to work at night and come home and feel like doing anything creative. Most times, I take refuge in TV. I love TV and in spite of the fact that I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with watching television, I think I tend to use it as an escape, a way to check out from thinking, from worry and stress. It is extremely, extremely difficult to feel energized and motivated enough to pick up my guitar or my journal, or watch and analyze a video of some choreographer's work when all I want to do is tune in to 30 Rock and zone out. Unfortunately, I don't expect to ever support myself on my artistic work alone, so it will always have to be added to whatever else I'm doing. I have to train myself to engage even when I'm feeling grumpy over some drama at the studio or dejected because potential employers haven't been calling. Sure I feel tired and uninspired, but at the end of the day, aren't those just excuses that will keep me from moving forward in my work?

My hypothesis, which I am trying to test here, is that doing the artistic work, engaging my brain and emotions, will actually help me to feel more refreshed and ready to deal with the rest of life than hiding away for a while. This may be completely false, and I think I will have to be gracious with myself as I try to navigate how this will work, but I want to give it a try.

2. Have faith in myself as an artist. Whoa nelly. This is gonna be tough. I've had some opportunities to share different facets of my work this past year and one of the pieces of feedback I get consistently is that I approach sharing my work apologetically, rather than confidently. One of the things that I find most difficult in the artistic life is that you have to be the one who believes in you and in your work more than anybody else. I think with dance in particular, I am plagued by questions of where all this is going, why am I even doing it, how good can I possibly expect myself to get given my late start, will anybody ever take me seriously, etc, etc. It feels like everything I work for and want is a million, billion miles away and some days it stops me dead in my tracks and I feel like I can't go on. But the reason that I dance is not so I can join a famous company one day or have the applause of thousands. I dance because I have to dance and I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. The same goes for my writing, I have to tell these stories. And I love my work, I love it so much, but I have to love it even more, and I have to learn how to love it in front of other people, to not be afraid to let them know how much I care. Because the only person that's going to advocate for me and my work is me.

3. Read the Bible. Okay, let's be honest. I already have read the Bible. All of it. But it's been quite a while and I know that there were vast portions that I read with almost no comprehension. I would really like to read the Bible with a book or commentary that will help illumine what I'm reading, the way that I used to in college. I want to start with the Old Testament, since that's what I have the least comprehension of and background in. I am pretty sure that it is worth investing some time to try to understand this book and its stories.

Oh, and the word I am manifesting for this year is abundance. I feel like last year's adventures in honesty was almost too successful, as I now feel almost incapable of hiding my feelings. But, I remind myself, this is probably a good thing, at least in most cases. It's funny, I feel like I didn't put forth herculean efforts to reform myself in the honesty project, but just by putting it out there and asking for it, it came to me. Thanks, God.

When I say abundance, I don't just mean material plenty, although a little of that would be awfully nice right about now. I mean feeling secure in the enough-ness that I have everything I need, or I will be given everything I need, and more than. Abundance of time, abundance of inspiration, abundance of friends, abundance of faith, abundance of hope and courage, abundance of love. Amen.