O M G

I have all of my support money.

I am leaving for Charlotte on September 6. That's 8 days from now. I am leaving for Nigeria on September 10. For two months.

How is she going to manage this, you wonder? I have no idea. I don't even know yet what I'm packing, let alone have it anywhere near a suitcase. Advice, anyone? Please!?!?! I just happened to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't...okay, whatever. I'm doing this, it's gonna happen. Might as well just fasten the safety belt and go. Okay, no, this is fine. We can do this.

Right?

Oh yeah...

I realized recently that I never really concluded the story of my support raising financial woes. I think, ironically enough, I am going to be okay. I recently got an e-mail saying my administrators had calculated the cost of my domestic travel twice, so there's that much less that I needed, as well as the money I've already paid out of pocket for vaccinations. I think I'm going to be okay. I don't have to write a follow-up support letter, thank God. I might even be leaving on time. Communications bogged down again somewhat due to jury duty and other adventures at the end of last week, but, yes. I think it's going to be okay.

I have to laugh at myself. Life seems big and scary until things start to fall into place, and even then you're terrified thinking, "Dear God, I'm so far gone that I've deluded myself into thinking things are going to be okay so easily. I need some Robitussin and a long nap." But you don't need either Robitussin or the long nap, you just need to take a few deep breaths and believe in the goodness of God, which leads very naturally into the goodness of life. Will this sustain me in the long haul? I have no freakin' idea. I surely, surely hope so, though. But for now. All I have is today to think of. And possibly tomorrow. And the next day, if I'm feeling ambitious.

Also, I bought many books of a theological nature today. I was quite, quite giddy. I felt more woozy than I did after last night's Merlot. Books go straight to my head.

But the real reason that all financial woes are behind me: My check from serving jury duty came today. I shall never go hungry again! That's right, people. Six big ones. Six, count em, six portraits of the original President George. Try not to turn green with envy. My dollar bills will already have that covered.

Sweet,
S.

Life Lately

So, it has been a while since I have posted. Quite a while. Many things have happened. They are as follows:

1.) Many people have all of a sudden started trying to get in touch with me. I think it is because the time of my departure is drawing nigh.

2.) God has been talking to me again. This is a good thing.

3.) I have gone to Kansas and back, crossing four states and spending six days abroad, so to speak, visiting friends.

4.) I am about halfway through the fifth Harry Potter book.

5.) I have served my first round of jury duty.

All of this is very exciting, and I hardly know where to begin talking. There is more to say than can be held in one little post. I, it must be said, am in a much better frame of mind these days than I have been for most of the summer. My trip to Kansas City was so, so good. I think even just the change of scenery and perhaps, ahem, company, might have had something to do with this. I think I am coming to discover that I am a person who thrives on change. Change and conversation. It was really, really good to have actual, tangible real-life people who were willing to listen to me chatter and whinge and laugh and philosophize and say all of the true things I can say when my spirit is uncaged. That was glorious. I didn't realize how little I had laughed this summer until I got back in the habit. Also, fajitas and also impressionism and also tea and also dancing. O yes. I have so much hope for the future right now. It will be good someday. I will always believe this and I will work to make it so until I drop. I will not always be alone.

Also, jury duty. Everybody kind of gave me to expect that the whole experience would be generally purgatorial. It was so not the case. First of all, I found out about the most amazing Kuykendahl park and ride where you take about a 20 minute ride to Kuykendahl Rd. and then park and take a bus downtown and the whole thing takes about an hour. That is a remarkably short time for the morning rush downtown. And it only costs three dollars, tho it was free for me because of the jury duty. Then I just got to sit around for half the morning reading Harry Potter, answer some questions to a lawyer, then I was dismissed and sent home. The trial itself sounded really interesting, and, though I was really nervous about the possibility of getting picked and screwing over someone's life by making a bad decision, I would have been able to maintain interest in the case, at least I think so. So really, I don't know what everyone's complaining about. I mean, finding out some Houston public transport that's actually functional alone was worth the trip and I can't wait to take the bus back downtown and do some more exploring when I'm wearing less painful shoes. I always thought downtown Houston was kind of a dud place, but maybe that's because I've never gone through it on foot.

That's all I have to say about such things as have been happening. Well, not really, I have a lot more to say, but I have been so tired lately and Harry Potter is calling before bed...

G'night,
S.

Addendum

A couple of points of clarification are, I think, needed. Although the arbitrary and yet wholly decisive deadline of August 10 has indeed passed, it means very little. For one thing, I don't think I will be getting another financial report from my dear old organization until I ask for one, so I pretty much don't know whether or how much things may or may not have changed since the last time I wrote. Secondly, the deadline is not quite as hard and fast as the term "deadline" would seem to imply. It isn't entirely arbitrary, because it is easier and better to buy the airline ticket earlier rather than later, so a certain proportion of the money needs to be in by a certain time to facilitate that purchase. Also, most people do much better when actually given a deadline, even a somewhat facetious one, than if you just left them to their own wee devices so they can put it off until the veritable 11th hour and maybe not get it to me soon enough. But, that being said, the money will probably (hopefully) keep coming in for a couple more weeks. So, if you haven't gotten any money in yet, or got it in at the veritable 11th hour, no worries. Except you really should get it in as soon as possible. See, it's just like school. The deadline is arbitrary, but it's there for your own good, so we make you observe it anyway.

Now, all of that being said, what does all this mean for The Sign. Ummmm...good question. Very good question. The answer is: well, I didn't really think it through that far. So, what happened was that I set something out to be fulfilled as a supernatural sign, and then didn't set any sort of scientific parameters that would indicate it's fulfillment or lack therof. My friends, this is what it is to be charismatic. Will it be a sign if I had to pay half of the total out of pocket? A third? A fourth? I never decided. Hmmmm...Oh, lay off. I don't understand it either. What to do? What to do? Keep going forward until the door closes? Okay. I was going to do that anyway.

Oh, and the reason that I wasn't around to answer your plethora of e-mails, facebook comments and phone calls is because my family and I went off this weekend to the great city of San Antonio, because my mom was hosting some kind of meeting for work at a resort, and stuff went wrong and she complained, so they gave us a couple of free nights. A couple of free nights at a resort. It was pretty spiffy, but the place on the whole definitely reminded me of Diego de la Vega's house in the Mask of Zorro. There was a painting in one of the hallways that I swear was supposed to be Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then the next day we went to Sea World! I suppose it's corny, but I really enjoy Sea World, hyperreality and all. I love animals and I love to be around them and see them do amazing things, even if they're in captivity. And furthermore, I finally got my sister to enjoy a roller coaster. So, really, I had a good day, even though I was still sick, I woke up that morning with an allergic rash, had a stomach ache and was stung by a bee. Seriously, it all happened. Then today we spent some time in downtown San Antone, at Market Square, and I took some lovely pictures. Maybe I will post some, but I am too tired to mess around downloading pictures tonight. So...that is all, I guess.

Following a Fleece

Latest news: I finally got a financial status report from the organization that is sending me to Nigeria and the news is not positive. To put it frankly, I am 1/6 of where I need to be by...tomorrow. I was not so much a happy camper on recieving this not so good news. The weirdest thing was that there were only like 7 names listed as those who had given money. 7 out of upwards of 130? I find this hard to believe. Particularly because there were folks not on this list who had specifically told me that they were going to donate. This makes me very, very nervous. Where is that missing money? Was it misfiled, mislaid, lost in the mail? Or, most horribly, was it never sent? I am shaky in my faith in money, bureaucracy, and the Almighty these days.

Most notably, I wonder quite a bit whether I'm supposed to be going to Nigeria. As a Christian, when I say "supposed to," I of course mean, "Is this in God's perfect, absolute, one and only brilliant and completely discernable will for my life?" This is a tricky thing for most Christians, I think. How do we know what God is telling us to do? What if it's the voice of our own stubborn desire, a funky cheese sandwhich, or if you come from that tradition, the voice of the Enemy trying to mislead and confuse you? And what if you follow that voice and toddle off on your merry way all the way to deepest Africa, the white man's grave, completely in error and doomed to come to the same unhappy fate as Jonah because you have Disobeyed the Will of God? Just a question, completely and entirely hypothetical. It is also very hard when you come from a charismatic tradition, and your dear sweet mother is constantly making comments like, "Oh, I worry about Shannon, but I know that as long as she's in God's will, she'll be safe." So, in the obverse of that statement, if I'm not in God's Will, does that mean that I will be attacked by hoardes of locust and get leprosy as well as being kidnapped by terrorists and contracting Hepatitis? And, "I support you going as long as you feel that this is where God wants you to be. Have you been praying about this, Shannon? Is God leading you to go to Africa?" I don't know, okay? I don't freaking know, I have no idea if this is just some crazy idea I concocted to be cool and go to someplace that I've never been so I can be that much closer to being an official world traveller. God knows this wouldn't be the first time I just got some harebrained idea in my head and clung to it with terrier tenacity, regardless of good sense or input from others. How do you know, Shannon? Has God shown you that this is where you're supposed to be? Yes, yes he did. There was in fact a Goodyear blimp flying over our house that flashed in neon yellow lights, "SHANNON! GO TO NIGERIA! GO TO JOS! WORK AT HOUSE OF HOPE! STAY FOR TWO MONTHS! I'LL FAX YOU THE SUPPORTER LIST!" And I said, Okay, I'll do it! Thank God it was so easy! Now I'll have divine protection and ease of finance and travel. Yippee.

Now you're thinking, Whoa, slow down girl. There's no need for this meltdown. Nobody knows the will of God perfectly. You just discern the winds and do your best. God works with what you give him. He's not out to lay the smackdown. Well, wait a second, my judicious reader. Here is what I have done. I told my mom that I hear from God differently than she does (MASSIVE, MASSIVE Understatement!) and that I tend to go through the door that's open. And I felt like this was the door that God had opened for me, so I would keep going through until the doors closed. I made the most excellent statement, "I think raising all that money is a significant enough obstacle that God can keep me from going if he doesn't want me to go." So, in effect, I laid out the fleece, as they say (See: Story of Gideon: The Bible (book of Judges, maybe?) for the fleece reference). I was saying, if God wants me to go on this trip, the support money will be there. If the support money is not there, it means that God doesn't want me to go on this trip. I am looking for confirmation, for a sign. Okay, God, do your stuff.

So then, 1/6. And then, minor meltdown. And then...? God only knows. Or does he? Shut up, you open theists. We cannot even go there tonight. This blog is not big enough to open that can of worms. Oh, and please, please people, do not feel like I say any of this to guilt trip anyone into giving money, or giving more money, or worrying about my financial well-being. Trust me, if you modify what you were planning to do under any other influence than the voice of the Holy Spirit, you are tampering with my fleece! And then my fleece will no longer be a suitable litmus test! Or will it? This is so confusing. Don't feel guilty, that's the bottom line.

Really kids, let's just all stay calm. Really. I'm sure that when I'm packing up for Nigeria, after all the spectacular miracles occur, we'll look back on this silly post and laugh. Or not. In which case, I'm so, so sorry to those of you who already gave and were subsequently shafted. I'm sure God will bless you anyway. But then, I'm really just about the last person who can tell you what God's going to do.

Yours hanging on to relentless hope,
S.

Little Thoughts

Second full day feeling yucky. I am done with this. Done with all-natural, hippy dippy, keep your immune system strong by drinking fluids and waiting it out. No more! I am going to bed tonight with a full barrage of medication in my system. Sudafed, Robitussin, Ibuprofen and Vicks Vapo-Rub. O yes. I like to consider myself a fairly patient person, really I don't get too fed up with traffic, long lines, and the like. But being sick...I don't handle that well for very long. I'm sure if you know me at all, you will understand why this is. Weakness. Inability to ignore my physical limitations. Mortality. This sucks. Tomorrow, oh my body, when I wake up, this better be over.

In other news, I am really wishing right now that I had strong ability to relate to all different kinds of people immediately. I feel like this is something I cannot do.

I have been thinking a lot of this hymn lately, and I wanted to share it. Every time I think of this hymn, I think of Kelsey because she hated this song. That makes me happy because I hate it sometimes too.

My Life Flows On

My life flows on in endless song above earth's lamentation
I catch the sweet, tho far off hymn that hails a new creation

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since Love is Lord of Heaven and Earth
How can I keep from singing?

Through all the tumult and the strife, I hear that music ringing
It finds an echo in my soul. How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since Love is Lord of Heaven and Earth
How can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die? The Lord my savior liveth
What though the darkness gather 'round? Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since Love is Lord of Heaven and Earth
How can I keep from singing?

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart, a fountain ever springing!
All things are mine since I am his! How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since Love is Lord of Heaven and Earth
How can I keep from singing?

Okay, goodnight.
S.

O yes

I have spent the whole day being sick. Not seriously, just sore throat, headache, achy, weak sick. Just enough to make me not feel like doing anything. It was kind of annoying because if I can't do stuff, I lose all sense of self-worth. I had chicken soup for dinner and slept all day. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel completely restored to health. Why am I posting? I can't really remember. Maybe tomorrow, that will come back to me too.

Okay, then, goodnight.
I'm really hungry!
S.

I would like to find myself.

Happy news, my sister is back from England. And she brought me digestives and Cadbury chocolate and a patch for my patch collection and a Mind the Gap t-shirt. I am pleased. I made us smoothies this morning and we got to sit down and have a little breakfast and talk and it was really lovely. Lots of cool stories, lots of changes in thought. I am excited for what will continue to emerge.

So, in other news, I have been thinking a lot about life and what I have been doing with mine lately. As the end of the summer draws ever nearer, I can't help but feel that mine has been somewhat...wasted. I haven't really achieved much of anything. I haven't read many books, I haven't spent enough time thinking, I haven't formed new relationships, haven't visited lots of different churches, I didn't make great spiritual strides and prepare myself to go to Africa and... I don't know, the funny thing is, I don't feel a whole lot of regret about this. Like, I can't even think of what I wanted to accomplish, goals that I might have set. Where did the summer go? Why didn't I do anything worthwhile? Like, there went three months of my life and I didn't do anything that I felt was meaningful and I'll never have those months again. What would it take for me to be satisfied? I have no idea. It's like I don't even know what I want out of life anymore, or who I am, or what I'm called to, or what I'm meant to be doing to get there. Crap, this sucks! Maybe I'm more irritated than I thought. If I actually allowed myself to spend time pondering these things.

I feel a great deal of confusion and ennui about my future. I think a lot about how many people really hate their jobs. So many people, working in offices to participate in some small fragment of the process of making products that they don't believe in or care about. People who have forgotten their dreams. Seriously, how many people can actually end up doing something that they have decided they want to do, instead of just taking whatever comes along. Maybe they just never really asked themselves what they want to do with their lives. I ask myself all the time, but I seem unable to come up with any answers. I used to think that maybe I didn't have to worry so much about getting the greatest job, because I could just do what I really love in my down time at home. I have discovered, I think, that that will not be the case. So I guess I better get to work at joining the 1 percent of people who work in jobs that they really love. Just as soon as I figure out what that is... But let me tell you, it's not temping forever. Furthermore, whether I have a great job or not, I would really, really like to be the kind of person who is not simply defined by her career, who can find meaning in life in simply who she is, and not what she does. Maybe I should just be a stay at home mommy. After all, my mother told me that having children was the most rewarding thing I could do with my life.

Phew, I'm glad that's settled.
S.