I would like to find myself.

Happy news, my sister is back from England. And she brought me digestives and Cadbury chocolate and a patch for my patch collection and a Mind the Gap t-shirt. I am pleased. I made us smoothies this morning and we got to sit down and have a little breakfast and talk and it was really lovely. Lots of cool stories, lots of changes in thought. I am excited for what will continue to emerge.

So, in other news, I have been thinking a lot about life and what I have been doing with mine lately. As the end of the summer draws ever nearer, I can't help but feel that mine has been somewhat...wasted. I haven't really achieved much of anything. I haven't read many books, I haven't spent enough time thinking, I haven't formed new relationships, haven't visited lots of different churches, I didn't make great spiritual strides and prepare myself to go to Africa and... I don't know, the funny thing is, I don't feel a whole lot of regret about this. Like, I can't even think of what I wanted to accomplish, goals that I might have set. Where did the summer go? Why didn't I do anything worthwhile? Like, there went three months of my life and I didn't do anything that I felt was meaningful and I'll never have those months again. What would it take for me to be satisfied? I have no idea. It's like I don't even know what I want out of life anymore, or who I am, or what I'm called to, or what I'm meant to be doing to get there. Crap, this sucks! Maybe I'm more irritated than I thought. If I actually allowed myself to spend time pondering these things.

I feel a great deal of confusion and ennui about my future. I think a lot about how many people really hate their jobs. So many people, working in offices to participate in some small fragment of the process of making products that they don't believe in or care about. People who have forgotten their dreams. Seriously, how many people can actually end up doing something that they have decided they want to do, instead of just taking whatever comes along. Maybe they just never really asked themselves what they want to do with their lives. I ask myself all the time, but I seem unable to come up with any answers. I used to think that maybe I didn't have to worry so much about getting the greatest job, because I could just do what I really love in my down time at home. I have discovered, I think, that that will not be the case. So I guess I better get to work at joining the 1 percent of people who work in jobs that they really love. Just as soon as I figure out what that is... But let me tell you, it's not temping forever. Furthermore, whether I have a great job or not, I would really, really like to be the kind of person who is not simply defined by her career, who can find meaning in life in simply who she is, and not what she does. Maybe I should just be a stay at home mommy. After all, my mother told me that having children was the most rewarding thing I could do with my life.

Phew, I'm glad that's settled.
S.