Following a Fleece

Latest news: I finally got a financial status report from the organization that is sending me to Nigeria and the news is not positive. To put it frankly, I am 1/6 of where I need to be by...tomorrow. I was not so much a happy camper on recieving this not so good news. The weirdest thing was that there were only like 7 names listed as those who had given money. 7 out of upwards of 130? I find this hard to believe. Particularly because there were folks not on this list who had specifically told me that they were going to donate. This makes me very, very nervous. Where is that missing money? Was it misfiled, mislaid, lost in the mail? Or, most horribly, was it never sent? I am shaky in my faith in money, bureaucracy, and the Almighty these days.

Most notably, I wonder quite a bit whether I'm supposed to be going to Nigeria. As a Christian, when I say "supposed to," I of course mean, "Is this in God's perfect, absolute, one and only brilliant and completely discernable will for my life?" This is a tricky thing for most Christians, I think. How do we know what God is telling us to do? What if it's the voice of our own stubborn desire, a funky cheese sandwhich, or if you come from that tradition, the voice of the Enemy trying to mislead and confuse you? And what if you follow that voice and toddle off on your merry way all the way to deepest Africa, the white man's grave, completely in error and doomed to come to the same unhappy fate as Jonah because you have Disobeyed the Will of God? Just a question, completely and entirely hypothetical. It is also very hard when you come from a charismatic tradition, and your dear sweet mother is constantly making comments like, "Oh, I worry about Shannon, but I know that as long as she's in God's will, she'll be safe." So, in the obverse of that statement, if I'm not in God's Will, does that mean that I will be attacked by hoardes of locust and get leprosy as well as being kidnapped by terrorists and contracting Hepatitis? And, "I support you going as long as you feel that this is where God wants you to be. Have you been praying about this, Shannon? Is God leading you to go to Africa?" I don't know, okay? I don't freaking know, I have no idea if this is just some crazy idea I concocted to be cool and go to someplace that I've never been so I can be that much closer to being an official world traveller. God knows this wouldn't be the first time I just got some harebrained idea in my head and clung to it with terrier tenacity, regardless of good sense or input from others. How do you know, Shannon? Has God shown you that this is where you're supposed to be? Yes, yes he did. There was in fact a Goodyear blimp flying over our house that flashed in neon yellow lights, "SHANNON! GO TO NIGERIA! GO TO JOS! WORK AT HOUSE OF HOPE! STAY FOR TWO MONTHS! I'LL FAX YOU THE SUPPORTER LIST!" And I said, Okay, I'll do it! Thank God it was so easy! Now I'll have divine protection and ease of finance and travel. Yippee.

Now you're thinking, Whoa, slow down girl. There's no need for this meltdown. Nobody knows the will of God perfectly. You just discern the winds and do your best. God works with what you give him. He's not out to lay the smackdown. Well, wait a second, my judicious reader. Here is what I have done. I told my mom that I hear from God differently than she does (MASSIVE, MASSIVE Understatement!) and that I tend to go through the door that's open. And I felt like this was the door that God had opened for me, so I would keep going through until the doors closed. I made the most excellent statement, "I think raising all that money is a significant enough obstacle that God can keep me from going if he doesn't want me to go." So, in effect, I laid out the fleece, as they say (See: Story of Gideon: The Bible (book of Judges, maybe?) for the fleece reference). I was saying, if God wants me to go on this trip, the support money will be there. If the support money is not there, it means that God doesn't want me to go on this trip. I am looking for confirmation, for a sign. Okay, God, do your stuff.

So then, 1/6. And then, minor meltdown. And then...? God only knows. Or does he? Shut up, you open theists. We cannot even go there tonight. This blog is not big enough to open that can of worms. Oh, and please, please people, do not feel like I say any of this to guilt trip anyone into giving money, or giving more money, or worrying about my financial well-being. Trust me, if you modify what you were planning to do under any other influence than the voice of the Holy Spirit, you are tampering with my fleece! And then my fleece will no longer be a suitable litmus test! Or will it? This is so confusing. Don't feel guilty, that's the bottom line.

Really kids, let's just all stay calm. Really. I'm sure that when I'm packing up for Nigeria, after all the spectacular miracles occur, we'll look back on this silly post and laugh. Or not. In which case, I'm so, so sorry to those of you who already gave and were subsequently shafted. I'm sure God will bless you anyway. But then, I'm really just about the last person who can tell you what God's going to do.

Yours hanging on to relentless hope,
S.