What about...

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The reason I love Breakfast at Tiffany's is because every time I watch it I feel understood.

"Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

News

I have some news to share. Or rather, I have some news to sort-of share. I'm very hesitant to even mention this because I know it could all fall through, but yesterday I got to see an organization that I'm completely in love with and might get to work with next year! They are an arts organization here in Buffalo and seem to be pretty game for the idea of working with me, the only road block now is the funding. But this place is amazing, with big windows that look out over houses and supplies and pictures hung all over the walls and books and CDs and musical instruments. And they do things like meditation and writing and crazy dialogues and movement and drawings and...and if I could work there, it's possible I could do something with my dancing. That it could actually be a big part of my job. Oh God. If I could do that...I feel like crying, just writing it down. Of course, whenever any good opportunity comes my way, there are the voices right there with me, telling me that it will never work out, they don't really like me, I'm not really qualified, I'll never find the money and even if I could, I wouldn't like working there if it did work out. To which I say, in my most imperious, not to be messed with tone: "Voices, shut the hell up! I am too busy working out how to make this happen to listen to you!" So, if I'm quiet these days, that's what I'm doing.

And please, if you pray, or light candles, or have focused positive meditations, or send well wishes in bottles across the seas to heaven, whatever you do, please do a little of it for me. For this. Because I want it! I want it bad!

Also, happy Ash Wednesday. Again, belated from me, but this time I did manage to observe it with ashy forehead on the proper day. Soon, more thoughts on Lent. I love Lent!

Peace,
S.

Oh. No.

Sometimes, when I read these blogs, and see the unfolding stories of these incredible women, artists, mothers, passionate, hip, interesting...I confess. I wonder. Could it be possible? Could it be possible to be a mom and still be doing awesome stuff, changing the world? I see them making dinner, celebrating birthdays, doing art projects, teaching lessons in the most innovative ways. And I can't help but wonder. Could it be possible to raise a child without making them hate you, to actually give them good things to take out into the world?

I don't want to think this way. Everything within me tells me that for me, children spell disaster in every way. I'm too selfish. Too ambitious in other areas. Too crazy. Too scared. But sometimes. I wonder.

The Education of S.

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The human species must keep evolving, or it will die, probably from boredom. The human individual must also keep evolving. Towards my evolution, I am attempting to revisit and patch up all the holes that were left in my education, particularly my pop culture education. To that end, I have recently subscribed to Netflix, and am trying to watch every movie of significance, ever. There are lots of loose ends to tie up. Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Sunset Boulevard, Some Like It Hot. The Godfather movies. Films with epic impact on our culture that I, even with all my 23 years, have yet to see. And, you know, also silly stuff like Transformers and Bride Wars. Just because I can.

But seriously, I currently find myself with a longing to dive into what has been considered important and meaningful in shaping our culture. Influential books and movies...and don't even get me started on how much I have bent my brain trying to understand this music thing. I do not need your paltry college to further my education! I have taken it into my own hands! Now, if only I had someone to talk about this stuff with...being a verbal processor AND an introvert is the pits...

More on Love...or not

I have been thinking a lot lately, and by lately I mean the last two years, rather than perhaps the last two weeks, about my current state of singleness. I think what really made me start thinking about it was the entrance of my sister and her friends into adolesence, with the accompanying yearnings for boy-type affection. I remember having those feelings, but distantly, like maybe back in middle school and early high school. By my second year of high school I had graduated into my stage of man- and marriage-hate, and it wasn't until...again, maybe the past couple of years that I have been able to graduate out of that bitter state and into one of peaceful, zen-like embrace of my present state of being. In the course of this journey, I developed a passion for helping girls, particularly younger girls with pinings for boy-type affection, to understand and embrace their state of singleness. So, just in time for Valentine's Day, I thought I'd offer a little dissertation on why I think being single is awesome.

Thankfully, these days, for me it has a lot less to do with hating men or fear of relationships than a sense of wholeness. I'd say the best summation for me of why I love being single is that I belong totally to myself. Of course, I have relationships with others and I try to give to those with whom I am in relationship, but I don't need to alter my life for anyone. In part, I think I love singleness because it allows me to nurture my selfish side. I don’t need to consult someone else on what movie to watch. I don't need to check with anyone before I make plans. I don't need people to assume that I'll always be sitting next to one particular person (this, btw, drives me absolutely up the wall, couples. I'd be so happy if you would cut this out).

On the other hand, I love that when I am with others I am completely with them, I can fully engage with a whole group of people and I belong to each of the people in that group in a way that I would not if I was attached to one particular person. With guys especially, I don’t feel compelled to go “shopping,” I can just make friends. I can approach people without expecting anything from them, without sizing them up or trying to impress anybody. It’s freeing.

Now, all of that being said, I am not married to the idea of being single (pun obviously intended). I want to be open to wherever life takes me, not stuck in my expectations of where I think I should go. But I am all about living in the moment, and I feel deeply satisfied and joyful to be where I am, right here and now. And I think that’s a pretty cool thing.

So please hear me, dear wee women out there, just in case you ever chance to stumble on this little blog. You are whole. You are enough. You are beautiful, even if nobody is asking you out on a date. There is nothing wrong with you. Embrace all that you are in this very singular time of your life. Use it to discover yourself, to find your wings. And don't be jealous of the girls who do have boyfriends, you do not need that kind of drama. Let your affirmation come from your community. There are many different kinds of love. So look around--you are already beloved.

All of that to say, I hope that you are having, as I am, a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

Sunshine

So today, when I went to where I usually dance, it was the first time in a long time that I had seen any sunshine. I walked into that huge room and there it was, streaming in through 8 ft. windows and across the hardwood floors. The sun was setting and I was there to dance. Thankfully, I quickly had the sense to do away with my usual play list and pull out the sunshine songs. Nothing special, nothing prepared, just scrolling through the i-pod and dancing away to whatever hit my fancy. Lots of waltzing. Moving in and out of the light, watching my shadows dance on the walls and floor. Nothing planned, no criteria, no techniques to refine. Just movement, just being within the music and connecting with it, letting it lead me. Just me, golden light and hardwood.

New Love

Well, my dear friends and readers, this post has been a long time in coming. There's a new love in my life. I have been waiting to try and talk about this because every time I do, I just get so tongue-tied. Fluttery. Giggly. How can I put this feeling into words? It's too good even to talk about...

Friends, I have fallen for tango. A wonderful, serendipitous set of circumstances sort of fell into my lap (okay, mostly via Nikki) and suddenly I am a TA for a set of (for me) FREE beginner tango lessons, my foot in the door of Buffalonian tango culture, and all set to fall truly, madly deeply in love.

Where I start to blush and stumble, however, is not explaining my luck in discovering tango classes and dances, but trying to explain WHY it is that I am so smitten or even try to describe what it is like to be out on that floor. The feeling of tango, the "ness" of it, this is what eludes even the grasp of my poetic tongue. (Seriously, guys, I have been a writer all my life, but I have consistently found a great deal of difficulty in trying to actually write about dancing. Is this an ironic fate: that two of my greatest passions are never to be fused in one magnum opus? Unless I found a way to dance about writing...hmmm, there's a thought!...But I digress...)

This embarrasses me, as love is apt to do, but my muse in this attempt is this excerpt from *ahem* Wikipedia:

"Argentine Tango relies heavily on improvisation; although certain patterns of movement have been codified by instructors over the years as a device to instruct dancers, there is no "basic step."...Argentine tango is a new orientation of couple dancing. As most dances have a rational-pattern which can be predicted by the follower, the ballast of previous perceptions about strict rules has to be thrown overboard and replaced by a real communication contact, creating a direct non-verbal dialogue. A tango is a living act in the moment as it happens."

That, right there in a nutshell, is why I love tango. No predicting, no forms, no showing off. You have to listen. Especially as the follow, I find myself listening with my whole body. Listening to shoulders, arms, feet, hands. It is a conversation between two dancers. A smooth synergy of movement, feeling, and music. A rhapsody of passion and life and communication, love, loss, the human condition!!!

Oh, well, you can see by my incoherent ravings that it's gone again. Maybe "it" has yet to even grace this shabby blog post. I really honestly can't write any better than this when it comes to dancing...forgive me. But what can I say? Were you expecting sensible, articulate commentary from a woman in love? I didn't think so. :-)

S.